We all have them.
But the pressure in my chest, the desire to do absolutely nothing, and the constant exhaustion is nothing I can prepare for.
It used to drain me. It used to ruin me.
Anxiety fucking sucks.
But this week I was proud. Yes, I got bummed. Yes, I started to shut down. The shutting down where you just give up. It’s a self-destructive act. And yes, I still feel anxious.
But I was proud. I was proud because I handled everything this week with a “It could be worse” attitude. But it seemed like every time I said that life wanted to test how much I believed that.
Last Friday I was looking for a dog, a dog that I felt like I lost. I felt like it was my fault. I then lost my already dead, one-year-old Iphone 8 in the woods when it was dark and raining. It fell out of my hoodie pocket and I didn’t notice until I got inside at 10:30 pm. Saturday I got none of the homework I needed to do done. Sunday we saw the dog, but she ran away too fast. Monday I had to drive 40 minutes for a test, turns out the teacher wasn’t there at the time to give me the test so I just had to go home. Oh, and my windshield got cracked. Tuesday was fine, I was just stressed. I haven’t been going to the gym, but I have been eating healthy. I just felt so overwhelmed so I didn’t want to do anything. I worked Wednesday and it was fine. Thursday I understood everything in my accounting class which was a relief and I got to go home early. So we come to today. Friday. I knew it was a week since the dog has been gone but I have been looking daily. She was spotted nearby multiple times. But it left me anxious every night knowing she was out there in the cold. This morning my laptop wouldn’t turn on. I had so much homework, but luckily it was on warranty and the Microsoft guy actually fixed it, thank goodness.
I have wash to do, homework to do, meals to prep, a job to work, dogs to walk, and still be social and find time to enjoy life.
I’ve been so overwhelmed that I forget more things and it’s like a domino effect. More stress = more stress = more stress.
I have been super hard on my appearance. My skin is breaking out and I can’t ever stay consistent with the gym.
What you just read was that negative voice in my head. But I’ve learned, it took years, but I have learned to overcome it.
When we let those negative things in life eat us, we will never win. We will never live a happy life if we let that shitty stuff in life eat us up. Life will never be perfect, but we can always grow, learn, and move on. We can take life with a grain of salt and keep it pushing. I rather be happy than let my phone being lost get to me. I rather be happy than stress about my skin which will just make it worse. I rather be happy than worry about the crack in my windshield.
So far, life has worked itself out.
It’s not that I’m not anxious. I am. But the dog is so close, she is okay. I saw her today, the first time since she ran off. I can’t explain how much of a shock it was. I’ve been searching every day and just to see her look at me made my anxiety blossom. It was like I wanted to cry and scream and love her and be mad. I couldn’t get to her. I’ve been thinking all week that if I see her I will get her, but I couldn’t.
I can’t beat myself up about things that have happened. I mean, I can, and I have, but it doesn’t have any benefit.
I feel like I’m failing school, and I can’t afford school without my scholarship due to my dad being sick. But, I keep busting my ass and I’m slowly catching up. If it doesn’t work, I’ll figure it out.
What is meant to be for me is meant to be.
I just need to breathe and plan. Someone told me to plan three things a day and focus on just those three things. But sadly, I have more than three classes and I’m always tired so it’s a challenge to push through sometimes.
It’s like I’m so stressed and I can’t get motivated.
Sometimes I feel crushed. Right now, I feel a little bummed.
But there’s a beauty in life and that this moment is temporary. I can make a change tomorrow. I can go to the gym tomorrow and I can also not beat myself up if I don’t. Sometimes we have to change our priorities. I can go early, I can nap later and then I have more time for homework. I nap anyways so going to the gym doesn’t affect my naps. I can also just be more body positive. I don’t look at people and think they aren’t good enough because they might not go to the gym and those who do go to the gym aren’t automatically better human beings.
I mean, it’s not as simple as just changing my mind set. It has taken years for me to be this positive.
Even though all this shit has happened, I refuse to be the victim. There is worse going on, but I know that doesn’t always make me feel better. Sometimes we can’t control our anxiety, actually most times we can’t. If we could, a lot of things would be easier. But I understand life happens. If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, just know that I struggle, too. I’m not perfect. I’m still self-destructive.
The biggest thing I can recommend is to find the right therapist, There are online therapist’s too. Also, I’m on an antidepressant and I don’t think that makes me any less of a person.
I’m human, I had a crazy week. Shit happens. So let this inspire you. Know you’re not alone. I know I don’t have it that bad but it has been a crazy and stressful week. Sometimes those little things add up. You’re human. Life is not perfect, in fact sometimes it’s hard. Like, really hard.
Seek help. And smile. Smile and laugh at the unfortunate things and understand that we can’t change what we have done and we aren’t perfect and we make mistakes. Understand that things happen, it doesn’t mean it was your fault.
Try to notice when you complain, or when you’re about to complain, and don’t. It’s okay to vent. But sometimes when we complain we stress ourselves out even more. Just find the positives in life. Find the things you’re thankful for and fully feel that. Feel the gratitude you have for those things or people.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I hope I could reach someone.
Lets kick whatever comes at us in the ass. You can do it and I can do it. Conquer the day.