Hello! I am so excited to have good internet again!
There’s so much I want to write about, but I want to start off with the biggest change in my life lately which is that my boyfriend and I bought our first house. This is the first time I have ever lived somewhere that wasn’t my parents house and while I was so excited and I do love it, I also knew it was going to be the beginning of a lot of healing and uncovering a lot of trauma. It has also been a big challenge for my OCD!
We have been in our adorable little home for almost three months now and it has been a wonderful yet emotional three months for me. Our house is in a town that neither of us have lived in before. I decided before we officially moved that once we settled I would look for a therapist, which I did. I have been going to therapy for a couple of months now and it has been very eye opening for me.
I made a blog a while back talking about my amazing experience with therapy. I mentioned that I stopped going because I ran out of things to talk about, I was doing really good. But life continues to happen and a lot of that life was hard for me to handle and I have also uncovered a lot more about my childhood trauma that sat deep within my brain, so I was eager to go back to really start healing again.
Moving out was a big deal to me because of the factors that led to it. I love my parents, but that does not mean that they were perfect. They were great and I will always adore them, but I found it hard to heal from the trauma I endured while growing up when I was still in that environment and still dealing with those traumatic experiences. I was mentally drained and it was time for me to have a safe space for myself where I’m not constantly on edge and panicked. I felt like every time something traumatic or emotionally draining happened I was losing myself more and more. I felt like I didn’t know how much more I could take and that’s a scary feeling. There as a big shift earlier this year when I realized I couldn’t keep living the way that I was.
When you come from a traumatic home and you finally live on your own or even with someone else, but it is a safe place for you, there will be a lot of healing that will need to happen. To heal you usually have to face those emotions and allow them to be felt without judgement. I feel like no one ever talks about how difficult it can be to live on your own after growing up in a stressful environment. They just talk about how great and freeing it is but they don’t mention the attachments you might have to let go of or the anxiety you feel from not having someone telling you how to live or the uneasiness you feel making your own decisions.
“The uneasyness you feel making your own decisions.” What do I mean?
I mean we got a cat and while I was so excited initially, I quickly fell apart. I had no one to make those decisions for me any more. Was I being impulsive? Was I being reckless? Did I have the money? What would my family think? Why do I care what they think? Why am I panicking?
Well, we got a cat and he was a challenge at first, but then he got fixed and all is well. I had some people make snide remarks, but I just decided I didn’t need them around if they weren’t going to support me. Then, I saw a sick cat on Facebook that needed a long-term foster home where he could live out the rest of his life and I took a leap and applied. I had some anxiety about it but ultimately I said “Fuck it, it’s MY life,” and now we have two cats who are amazing and crack me up every day. We still have three dogs and a stinky ferret, by the way. I was very hesitant to post about the second cat we got, I was so excited to have him but I was once again afraid of the judgement I ASSUMED I would get from my family. I was ASSUMING that they would think I was being impulsive because our first cat was such a challenge so why would we get another one?
That’s the thing about anxiety. We often have thoughts and beliefs, but not facts.
I never expected to get so much anxiety over making my own decisions. I never expected to have anxiety randomly and constantly. I thought I’d feel more free and less stressed.
Don’t get me wrong, being on your own is great and I hope anyone who wonders if they’ll ever get to that point keeps pushing because you will. You’ll have a safe space of your own. Don’t give up.
I’ve read that before, and I know it didn’t help me feel less hopeless in the moment, but it’s true.
Being on my own has allowed me to begin healing. It has allowed me to go through those anxious moments so now if I want another animal I’ll do it without any doubt. It has allowed me to feel less tense without even noticing how much more relaxed I am. I no longer have to tip-toe around – physically and emotionally.
I’m sure I hold resentment, and if you’re in a tough home with family members right now, you might, too. I do I know that my parents did what they could with that they had. They’re human beings, and that means that they’re not always going to be perfect. They’re flawed and that’s okay. They have their own trauma. And while it did have some negative affects on me, their choices, their actions or lack of, I’m still okay and it has taught me a lot. It has created a resilient and sensitive human being and I see those as positive things. I learned that it’s important to work through trauma not only for yourself but for your current/future family and partner. So I will keep working to grow and heal. I will work through the pain and try to be better for the world and for myself.
I can’t wait to start consistently blogging. You might have noticed I have a new blog name, “Tea With Elli B.” That was a name that was voted on a while back for my new blog name. I tried to change the website URL but I actually just can’t figure it out. Anyways, I’m gonna start posting more on my Instagram and I have created a Facebook group called Tea With Elli B. I’m not exactly sure where I want to go with this, but I know I want to be a voice of encouragement and positivity for you all. I want to share my mental health journey with you all because I think someone might benefit from it somewhere.
Talk to you all soon,